


It Is What It Is

by zalacious



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, One Shot, Prostitution, Racism, Rough Sex, Sad, Sexual Violence, Substance Abuse, Tattoos, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 12:25:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12035853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zalacious/pseuds/zalacious
Summary: It's not 'this' and it's not 'that'It's not static and it's not constantIt just,isZayn and Louis find something good in each other in the otherwise deadbeat town of, Sparks, that they both reside in





	It Is What It Is

A harsh blow lands on the left side of Louis' face, right next to his eye. The pain shoots right through his temple and across his forehead. Moments later another punch is given to his cheek and he immediately tastes blood.

"Fucking whore... filthy... fucking... whore."

Louis takes it all as he's physically and verbally abused, lying on a dirty bathroom floor as he's fucked by the truck driver that's just picked him up. He cums into the condom, with a rough, dirty hand clutching at Louis' throat very nearly cutting off his air supply.

This is the norm for Louis. It has been for, what, the past four years now? It's been like this since he was eighteen.

His head droops to the side once the weight on him is relieved and there's no longer a hand around his throat. The other man in the room throws in some last few insults as he pulls up his jeans and Louis struggles with his own pants. A wad of crumpled dollars are thrown onto his chest and that's enough to kick him into fifth gear. Louis finds his strength and hurriedly pulls up his pants and springs up so that he can get the fuck out of here. His job is done; he's been paid; now it's time to go.

He stops running when his legs start to burn and he knows that he's comfortably further away from the hellhole he was just in. The tangerine sun is on the horizon behind him, getting ready to call it a day, just like Louis.

His jaw throbs so terribly. He stops and leans his hands on his knees before he's spitting out a dollop of blood that had pooled in his mouth. He watches the maroon liquid fall onto the dry, hard desert beneath his old, faithful grey Converse sneakers. He checks the back pocket of his light wash denim jeans to make sure that his money is still there before he continues walking again.

"Louis! Louis, are you o-"

"What are you doing here?" He asks, cutting off his friend, Zayn.

"I've been waiting here for like two hours, you told me to wait here." His younger friend replies as he jogs to catch up to Louis' pace.

Louis sniffs and spits out more blood - away from Zayn. "I told you to leave if I wasn't back by sundown."

Zayn laughs as if Louis has made a bad pun. "I wasn't gonna leave just 'cause it got a bit dark."

Louis turned to look at Zayn with a squinted smile as the sun shone in his face. "Let's go get some food?" He pulls the money from his jeans pocket and puts it in his hoodie pocket instead.

Zayn nods and mimics Louis, shoving his hands in his hoodie pockets. The friends silently walk side by side, away from the residential area and towards the town. They pass a playground on the way and Louis could practically see the non-existent sign that read '18 and under only!!!' It makes his heart ache more than his bruised and beaten body.

"Are you okay?" Zayn asks him again as soon as the McDonald's they were vying for comes into sight.

"Yea." Louis nods but keeps his head down.

The sky was now a tumblr aesthetic girl's dream of soft hues of blues and purples all carelessly painted above. Parts of it remind Zayn of Louis' eyes. He thought that Louis had the most beautiful eyes in the whole world, no one else could dare compare to the sparkling deep sky blue that sometimes changed to turquoise when Louis would laugh. Then again, Zayn was incredibly biased because of how in love he was with Louis. Apart from his eyes being stunning, Zayn thought that the entirety of Louis was just something amazing to behold; his looks, his personality, his mind - it all had a vice grip on Zayn and he knew that it would never be broken.

"Can I get the chicken wrap," Louis counts his money, "two, please."

"I'll have the same, and uhm, two large Coke's please?"

"I don't have enough money for that." Louis mumbles.

"I'll pay for it, don't worry." Zayn hushes in a calm voice and told the waitress to go ahead with the order.

Louis knows better than to argue about this with Zayn as they had been through it many a times before. They sit opposite each other in the booth in the almost empty fast-food restaurant that was playing some dull 2000s pop song in the background.

"Thank you." Louis mumbles again and leans on the table. He was grateful for Zayn, not because he occasionally (and often) helped him out with things - but because he was one of the three things that was good in his otherwise miserable life.

Nothing ever happens in the town of Sparks – nothing ever has happened and nothing ever will. It's a deadbeat town with deadbeat people. The only way to get out of that is to get out of it. The irony of the name 'Sparks' made Louis laugh. There was nothing of the sort there.

The only good that came out of it was that he met Zayn five years ago at their high school, Beryl Hill High. Zayn was just a freshman and Louis was in eleventh grade. He remembers it like it was yesterday. Sour faced Andrew Nichols taunting Zayn and throwing racist jabs at him during recess. Louis sat on the bleachers, enjoying his cigarette when he saw a lone Zayn walking ahead of him.

"You fucking terrorist, why don't you go back to your own fucking Arab country."

Zayn spun around – not knowing who the hell this festering pathetic excuse of a human was but didn't care. "I'm Pakistani, meaning I'm Asian. Not all brown people are Middle Eastern – and even then, not all of them are terrorists. You'd know if you liberated your mind and actually paid attention in Geog-"

He never got to finish his sentence on the count of his jaw snapping shut because of the punch he had just taken. His teeth clashed together horrifically and he wondered if one must have gotten loose. That Nichols kid was big for fifteen years old so Zayn immediately hit the ground, the back of his head bouncing against the green grass. Another knock was delivered square on his nose before he was pulled off. Zayn didn't get to see who it was that pulled him off – he couldn't see anything besides all of the colourful dots that were dancing against the lilac sky.

Louis had grabbed Andrew by his meaty neck and shoved him to the ground before he could give him a taste of his own medicine. He pummelled into him until the boys' nose was surely broken. He then pulled the cigarette out that was tucked securely between his lips and pressed the lit end directly onto Andrew's bottom lip, making him howl in pain and garnered the attention of other seniors who came rushing to them. Louis however took the opportunity to force the cigarette into his mouth and clamped his jaw shut. "Next time you think of saying anything like that to anyone, I hope you remember what this tastes like." He seethed before he was pulled off.

He was almost expelled that day. He got off on a month suspension because of the begging and ... favours that his mother, Janet, had pulled to keep him in the place he hated. It's not that Louis was some 'rebel without a cause' or no good misfit, he just never stood for shit like this and knew that if he could make a difference to a situation then he sure as hell would involve himself.

Andrew actually left the school after that. He was terrified of Louis' demeanour and soon after a rumour had spread that Louis was the leader of some vicious gang.

He laughed at that.

Ever since that day Zayn was stuck on Louis like glue. No matter how many times Louis tried to tell him to beat it or hang out with kids in his own grade, Zayn felt like he owed Louis for helping him out, and Zayn's pestering paid off because after a while, Louis actually lowered his guard and the two became fast friends (and no one ever dared to mess with Zayn again).

After their early supper at McDonalds, Louis and Zayn part ways and head to their own respective homes. Zayn lives in a nice area – although Louis' never been to his house, or seen it, he knows it. He comes from a good family who take really good care of all of their four kids. His dad is a lawyer and mum a social worker, so go figure. Louis couldn't wrap it around his head as to why such a perfect family would come to live in a town like fucking Sparks. Zayn had told him that his dad decided on moving to a smaller town to get away from the rush of the big city life.

It still doesn't make sense to Louis.

"Mom?" He calls as soon as he opens the front door. He hears the murmur of some game show going on, on the television. Walking into their small lounge, he sees his mother lying limp on the powder blue sofa. "Mom," He kneels next to her and moves her messy platinum blonde hair away from her red face. She groans when he calls her for a third time. "Mom, wake up. I got you some food." Louis says placing the takeaway bag that had the other chicken wrap he ordered next to her.

She frowns confoundedly at the bag and it takes her a while to register that it's her son standing next to her. "Oh, my boo-bear, you're so lovely." She smiles, still in a daze and cups Louis' cheek.

"Alright mom, come on. Get up, eat, and then get to bed." Louis instructs but his mother is already up and heading to her room on an empty stomach.

"I'll eat tomorrow, my angel boy." She says and Louis hears the soft click of her bedroom door. He sighs and spots the empty bottle of gin on the ground with the cap on the armrest of the sofa. He picks that and, the food up to leave in the kitchen. After he's done with all of that, he heads to the bathroom to rid his skin of today's events.

He looks at his reflection in the half cracked and dirty mirror above the sink. The bruise next to his eye isn't too bad, the one on his cheek on the other hand gives him hell and he knows that in a few days, the side of his face is going to be an ugly mixture of black and yellow.

His phone buzzes in his pocket before he can strip down and get into the shower.

It's Zayn asking if he's made it home safe. He smiles at his phone and assures Zayn that he's absolutely fine. He could never tell Zayn what he has to do so that he and his mom can make it day-by-day. Zayn looks at him like he's God, when he's the furthest thing from that.

After messaging Zayn, he gingerly peels his clothes away from his body to inspect the bruises it holds. There's not much on his torso. A mark on his shoulder is slowly fading into a soft violet colour. His thighs however are still tender and splotched with ugly contusions.

The hot water faucet is turned on to burn away the pain on Louis' body. The intense temperature leaves him feeling deliciously numb but he can't stand for too long because his head is beginning to pound, right behind his eyes, so after his skin is a shade of scarlet from being scrubbed so hard he exits the bathroom and heads for his bedroom where he wraps himself in some soft sweatpants and a thin t-shirt, all before collapsing onto his bed.

***

Wednesday mid-morning found the pair sitting at the deserted skate park. You would think that most kids would flock here, but majority of them were off with their family to enjoy their summer vacation somewhere that wasn't here, and the ones that did stay here, were either working or preferred to come to the park much later/on weekends.

Louis loved this place. He would spend almost everyday after school on his skateboard, not letting bruised elbows or knees stop him, until one day his trusty skateboard snapped in two.

Now he and Zayn were sitting on the edge of the concrete bowl with their legs dangling into it.

"That day at school," Zayn starts and Louis is already smiling, knowing which day Zayn was referring to. He hums and looks at him. "Why'd you do it?"

Louis shrugs and looks ahead. "How I was brought up." He looks back at Zayn and sees those hazel eyes urge him to go on with his explanation. "My mom may be a lot of things... but she's a good person. She always told me to look beyond what our eyes can see, search deeper," He points at his chest. "You know?" Zayn nods. "One of her boyfriend's was a black man. She was sooo in love with him." Louis laughs softly at the memories but his smile quickly disappears. "He died when I was ... ten? I don't know. There was a shoot-out at a gas station and he was there... Just wrong place, wrong time sort of thing."

"I'm so sorry, Lou..." Zayn softly sympathises with him.

"S'alright. I didn't know much about him... Just know that he made mom happy... She would always say," Louis raises his arm and moves closer to Zayn so that he can press their arms together. "It's literally just skin colour." Zayn looks at the contrast of cream and brown. "It's one of the dumbest things to be upset or angry about when there's so much more to focus on." He lets his arm fall but keeps it pressed against Zayn. Louis stands and the spot that he was just touching on Zayn's arm grows ice cold.

He can't believe that he's about to do this - but he's had a really good day with Zayn and seeing as it's only midday, he doesn't want it to end. "... Do you wanna come over to my place?" Louis asks and Zayn cannot for the life of him read his emotion. He nods and stands up as Louis begins to lead the way home.

It's a blistering hot day with the sun beating down on Zayn and Louis' back. "Not too far from here." Louis notes when he sees Zayn pull off his bomber jacket.

"LOUIS, LOUIS!!" The boys hear as soon as they've set foot in Louis' neighbourhood. Rapid footsteps follow the eager little voice and Louis and Zayn both turn around to see a blonde girl whizz past and latch onto Louis' torso. The hug from the little girl slightly winds Louis but he covers it up well.

"Hey, Nicky," He greets with a light laugh and hugs her with one arm. "How are ya?"

"I'm good, look what I made at my grandma's today," She holds up a giant papier-mâché spider and Zayn has to quickly tell himself that it's clearly not real.

Louis takes a drag of cigarette and furrows his brows as he exhales the smoke up at the sky. "Crumbs, that's hideous." He chuckles. "I mean, you did a good job making it – but it's automatically ugly because it's a spider." He flicks the pipe-cleaner that's been used for its legs.

"That's the point." Nicky says in a 'duh' tone and Zayn smiles. It's apparent that she's very fond of Louis. "Who's this?"

Zayn's eyebrows shoot up slightly as she asks the direct question and looks up at Zayn with her big grey eyes.

Louis places an arm around Zayn's shoulder and tilts his head. "This is my friend, Zayn." Louis introduces and next thing they know, Nicky's giving him a bone crushing hug, along with a 'hi' too.

"I gotta go now, mom said I should be back at twelve." She whines and waves goodbye before she's off running again.

"Cute kid." Zayn snickers.

"Mm," Louis agrees and stomps out his finished cigarette. "I use to walk her to school and back here when she started the first grade." She was now eleven years old and Louis can't believe how fast time has gone, however a warm feeling washes over him when he sees that she's still stayed the sweet and innocent child he watched grow before his eyes. He nods as if he's silently agreeing with his thoughts and Zayn can see that she obviously means a lot to Louis.

Zayn sees that Louis lives a street down from where Nicky lives. It's a small, garish peachy coloured two bedroom house. On either side of it are houses that are more or less the same size and too, painted in that gaudy peach colour. "It's nothing special." Louis mentions. He doesn't know why he does because he doesn't care about what other people have to say or think about him – but he feels like he just has to because it's Zayn.

But Zayn shakes his head with a small smile on his face. There's no judgement or humour in his eyes. He's not expecting a mansion and doesn't care that it's not one either.

Louis silently enters his cozy abode and looks around to where he normally finds his mother, on the sofa, so when he finds that she's not there, gets a giddy feeling at the thought that he and Zayn can spend some time alone. It's only when he goes into the kitchen that those feelings are shattered when he finds her slumped in her chair, asleep on the table. "Shit," He moves forward while Zayn looks on in concern before he slowly follows. "Ah, fuck,"

She was passed out with her own vomit surrounding her on the table. Louis delicately lifts her head and calls for her to wake up. "Can you wet that cloth over there and give it to me, please?" He asks a shocked Zayn over his shoulder. "Mom, wake up."

Zayn cannot understand how Louis is so impossibly calm at this moment. If it were him, and he found his mother lying in a pool of her own vomit, he would be in absolute hysterics right now, but here's Louis, coaxing her out of her dazed state without a hint of strain in his voice.

Janet groans and finally opens her eyes, much to Zayn's relief. "Is she okay?" He asks as Louis cleans up her face.

"Yea, she's fine. Just drank too much." He frowns. "Can you throw that bottle away?" Louis says, referring to the empty bottle of gin on the far end of the table.

Zayn's joints feel like they're all locked into place but he wills himself to move and help. After throwing it away, he fills a glass of water and leaves it on the table for her.

"Louis, what're you doing... home," She slurs and sits up.

"Wednesday, mom. I don't have work today." He sighs tiredly and moves on to clean the table now that she's all cleaned up.

Zayn grabs a few paper towels he finds and helps Louis. "Who's this?" Janet tries to ask in as nice as a voice as she can, but can only manage to croak out the words.

"My friend, Zayn."

"Zaaayn," She slurs. "What a nice boy, thank you, Zayn. I hope you're not like the other trash friends my little boo has – I don't think you are. You seem very nice and lovely, very lovely." She rambles and Zayn doesn't know how to react to any of it.

"Just ignore her." Louis quietly tells him. "Okay mom, get up, let's get you to bed." Louis lifts her thin frame by her underarms and hoists her up.

She groans again before the rambling starts once more. "Louis, I'm sorry. I'm such a mess and you're so good to me, I'm sorry son," She begins to cry. "I'm so sorry I messed everything up for you." She's an emotional and drunk mess, but Louis still holds himself and her together.

"Mom, it's fine, okay. It's fine, come on, let's go." He forces her to walk with him, leaving Zayn to hear her cries and apologies get softer and softer until there's nothing.

Zayn leans against the sink in silence and even with the bright, happy sun shining through, the scene he just witnessed still makes him feel so unbelievably sad. A minute later he hears footsteps and straightens. Louis trudges back and stands in the doorway. He presses and digs his palms into his eyes, not because he's about to cry, but from utter disbelief that Zayn had to see the peak of his dysfunctional home life. "I'm so sorry," He apologises once his hands fall to his sides and shakes his head. "I'm so, so sorry."

Zayn notes how much he sounds like his mother when she broke down and apologised to him. "It's okay, honestly. Is she going to be alright?"

"Yea. She just needs to sleep it off." He answers tiredly and makes his way next to Zayn to wash his hands. While they're still wet, he runs them through his sandy brown hair and down his neck, where he lets them settle against his hot flesh. "... You can leave if you want."

He wouldn't blame Zayn.

"Do you want me to go?"

Louis chewed on his lip and continued to stare out of the window like he was thinking of a solution to a maths problem. "No." 

Zayn stays silent and follows Louis' gaze. Louis had told Zayn about his mother and her alcoholism. How it started when he was only eight and his dad just up and left one night, never to return or keep in contact again. There's nothing that he can do about it except just to be there for her when she reaches hopeless states like this. Zayn knew it was bad, but didn't know that it reached this extent. Seeing Louis so calm in the situation made him wonder just how many times he's been exposed to it and, has had to clean her up.

Louis tilts his head to the side and wordlessly invites him to his room.

Once the door was shut it was like Louis' room was part of a completely different house. It was a calm, pale blue in comparison to the pale yellow that Zayn had seen in the rooms he walked through. It also smelt like Louis. Cigarettes and his Axe deodorant – and Zayn's positive that there's also a fading tinge of weed that's mixed in too. There's a large poster of a red and white 70s style hippie Volkswagen van above Louis' bed. It's the only poster in the room and Zayn is a little thrown off that there's no Farrah Fawcett poster of her in that infamous red bathing suit and wide grin – he mentally kicks and reminds himself that Louis is a couple of years older than him and has probably gotten over the poster phase.

Zayn sits on the edge of Louis' bed and looks at the small CD rack against the wall. He recognises a few. Nirvana, The Doors and, The Rolling Stones. He wonders where the one is that he g-

His thoughts stop when he hears the guitar riff open up the Kings of Leon 'WALLS' album that he had given to Louis on his last birthday. Zayn smiles and goes to stand next to Louis who's still messing with his radio. "You still have this." He says and inspects the CD cover.

Louis snorts. "Of course. It's one of my favourite albums." He leans on the desk and watches Zayn with sad, tired eyes – sad, tired eyes that Zayn only meets once he's placed the CD back down on the small desk.

"Hey," He places a comforting hand on Louis' arm and rubs it soothingly.

Louis' emotions are so spent that he isn't sure if he can physically cry anymore. He's just so fed-up of things – everything, and Zayn sees this and pulls him in for a hug which Louis gladly accepts. He can't remember when last another human body felt this good on him – this warm, welcoming and, safe. One of his slim arms drapes, comfortably, across Zayn's broad shoulders and, the other rests on the middle of his back where it rubs back and forth.

Zayn wishes that he could mould Louis' broken pieces together again and have him lead a happier life. He holds onto him tightly with a hand buried in Louis' soft hair and the other protectively over his waist.

Something shudders deep within Louis and because of the close proximity of Zayn's neck and face to his own; he can't stop himself from pressing his lips to the caramel coloured skin. Louis' lips on his neck make Zayn's eyes snap open and tighten his grip. It's enough to encourage Louis to keep leaving butterfly kisses there until he moves up to Zayn's jaw and finally to his lips.

They're both holding onto each other for dear life with Louis' fingertips now digging into Zayn's shoulders and Zayn's hands on Louis' hips. But the kiss – the kiss is something out of a romance novel. It's so slow and soft. So sweet and cautious, like it's both their first time doing this. Louis feels Zayn lustrous eyelashes tickle his cheeks and laughs – giving Zayn the opportunity to skilfully slip his tongue in and that's when movements become sloppier; when desire starts to take over and body temperatures begin to rise. Louis now rakes his hands down Zayn's back and, Zayn brings his hips closer so that he can feel the effect that Louis' having on him.

Louis pushes Zayn against the desk and stands between his spread legs. He goes to grab the edge of his t-shirt but Zayn hastily breaks the kiss and stops him.

"Wait," He pants and keeps a gentle hold on Louis' wrists.

"What is it, what's wrong?"

"I –" Zayn's voice cracks. "I'm a virgin." He confesses and is petrified to look up at Louis.

"Fuck," Louis breathes and takes a step back. "I'm sorry."

Zayn looks at him in confusion and gets off of the desk. "Wh- what do you mean 'you're sorry'?"

"I didn't mean to force myself on you – I wouldn't have if I knew – "

"No. What? Louis I like you, I really like you. I thought you'd ... think that I was lame if you found out."

"... You like me?" Zayn nods honestly and Louis takes a step forward again. "I don't think its lame, Zayn." He whispers and rubs his nose against Zayn's. He's just about to pull away again when Zayn grabs a hold of his t-shirt.

"I ... I want to lose it to you..."

"Are you sure?" Louis frowns.

"Yea. I trust you." Zayn said and gently ran the back of his hand over Louis' healing face.

Louis asks Zayn if he's sure once again and once Zayn promises that he is, goes straight back to kissing him. Feeling brave, Zayn lets his hands slip under Louis shirt and presses his palms against the curve of his lower back before he pulls off his shirt. When he pulls away and gets a good look at Louis' tattooed body, he feels like he must look like a cartoon character with bulging eyes. The tattoos Louis started building on since he was sixteen always intrigued Zayn, but he never got to see the ones under his shirt – not this up-close and personal. They weren't very neat and most did look a bit like kids had scribbled them onto his skin (that being because Louis' friends were responsible for most of his tattoos) but they were all so very Louis.

He was particularly drawn to the script across his chest – which is currently in his face. He presses his lips to each word and then kisses down Louis' sternum and sinks to his knees, where he unbuttons his skinny jeans.

"Zayn, wait – " Louis starts but his mouth hangs open as soon as Zayn's hot mouth is around him. He tries to move backwards but Zayn grips his ass to hold him in place as he continues to suck. Louis' eyes screw shut and he gives up on asking Zayn to slow down, instead resting his hand in his liquorice black hair. He softly groans out Zayn's name and stumbles back until he falls onto his bed. "Zayn, stop," He can feel himself start to throb more and more everytime Zayn licks around the tip of his cock. "I'm going to cum if you do that one more time."

Zayn gazes up at Louis through his lashes and challenges him with his mischievous golden eyes. Louis raises his eyebrows as he pants and grins. "Don't you fucking dare." He pulls Zayn up by his chin and kisses him hard as he slowly removes Zayn's clothes. Now the pair both lay naked with Zayn on Louis, slowly grinding and rubbing his cock against Louis'. He kisses Louis' chin, his cheeks, and the tip of his nose and, finally pressed multiple kisses to his bruised areas, wanting to kiss the marks away.

Louis flips them over and now it's his turn to give Zayn a blow job. He reaches his hand up to cover Zayn's mouth when his last moan is particularly loud. He moves lower to lick up his perineum and Zayn almost kicks Louis in the chest. He groans loudly into his hand and digs his head back into Louis' pillow. As he crawls back up and removes his hand from his mouth, Zayn can't stop whining and begging for Louis to fuck him.

Louis kisses him once again and sits up, straddling him so he can reach over to the small bedside table and pull out some lube and a box of condoms.

"You're prepared." Zayn notes and Louis fights the smile on his face.

If only Zayn knew.

Zayn takes note of just how thin Louis is. Yes, he's got a muscular physique, but Zayn still sees his ribs poking out ever so subtly, he sees how prominent his collarbones are.

Louis continues to make and break eye contact with a sated looking Zayn as he uncaps the lube and squeezes its content out. He moves off of Zayn and instructs him to roll onto his stomach. No one had ever been this patient or gentle with him. Not when he lost his virginity to Vicky Montgomery when he was fourteen and she was seventeen, and certainly not when he sells his body to whoever wants him for the night. It's always a hard, angry, needy fuck that leaves him feeling worthless in the end.

"Tell me if it hurts." He says while massaging Zayn's hole, just before he can slip his finger in. Zayn trembles at the unfamiliar intrusion but urges his body to relax enough for Louis to add another finger. Even after working him, he's still awfully tight and Louis doesn't think that he can go through with this because he knows he'll hurt Zayn.

"No," Zayn mewls when Louis removes his fingers.

He wipes his hand on a tissue and grabs a condom. "Are you sure?" He checks before opening it and Zayn nods. "Come here," He pulls Zayn up after he opens the condom wrapper. "Ride me." He speaks in a hushed tone, close to Zayn's lips. It drives him mad and all he wants to do is lap at Louis' mouth. "It's better for you that way; you decide how much you take." Zayn nods and Louis lays down. His tall cock standing long and proud was intimidating but Zayn wants this more than anything. He swings a leg over Louis and lets his tip tease his entrance.

His jaw falls open in a silent moan as soon as he's pushed an inch of Louis in. His fingernails dig into Louis' right pectoral. "Shit." He groans once all of Louis is inside him. He can admit that there's nothing pleasurable about the feeling and yes, it does hurt.

"Are you okay?" Louis asks and grips Zayn's hips. He nods and slowly, very slowly, rocks back and forth. "God," Louis whimpers. He hasn't felt this good in – he doesn't even remember.

Falling into a delightfully slow rhythm, Zayn moves his hips just to his liking so that Louis' brushing against his prostate. He leans down to kiss Louis as he makes love to him and Louis in turn affectionately wraps his arms around Zayn.

When they cum it's like both of their lives are the definition of perfection for those few seconds, and maybe it is, solely because they're wrapped up in each other's arms enjoying one of the most intimate moments that you could, with the person you love more than yourself.

 

"How did you get those bruises?" Zayn whispers.

Louis tightens his grip on Zayn's shoulders. "I fell." He knows he's a good liar, but that wasn't a good lie used.

"Honestly," Zayn pushes. "Did you get into a fight?"

Louis remains silent and strokes Zayn's skin with his thumb.

"Do any of these have meaning?" Zayn gives up on that topic and focuses on a lighter one. He lies down on Louis' chest and listens to his steady heartbeat. Louis hums and Zayn loves the vibrations he feels emit through his body. "The arrow?" He asks, touching Louis' arm.

"To have faith in the directions I choose to go in.. not to double back."

"It is what it is?"

Louis chortles lightly and Zayn lifts his head to look up at Louis, with soft, patient eyes.

"I hate my life, Zayn." He spoke in an even voice. "I still do. But I've just learnt to accept things are the way they are." He shrugs. "Just spent a lot of time harping on the idea of why some people have shitty lives while others live the best of the best.. and I realised that thinking like that isn't going to change anything."

Zayn rolls off of Louis and sits up, pulling his knees close to his chest. "You know that you can still change things, turn them around... Get out of here."

Louis shakes his head. It was no longer a possibility to him.

Zayn snuggles up closer to him and presses warm kisses to his neck. "I think you can." He insists and his faith in him makes Louis smile.

***

The following day Louis is bored at work at the DVD rental shop. No one ever comes here anymore since everyone watches everything online. DVDs are basically the new VHS. It's unfortunately why his pay is so shit. He's so disinterested in his job that he doesn't care to look up at customers who walk into the store and doesn't notice when Zayn does until something dirty is whispered in his ear.

"Will fucking you on the job get you fired?" Louis grins as he looks up at Zayn's mirrored expression. "Well?" Zayn pushes and leans on the counter before he nips at Louis' bottom lip.

Louis looks around – just to make sure – and pulls Zayn to the employee bathroom stall where he fucks the life out of him.

 

"Can't you find another job somewhere else that pays more?" Zayn asks. He's decided to hang out with Louis at work for the rest of the afternoon.

"No. 'm not really qualified enough for anything with a decent pay."

"... What about uni?"

"School's not my thing, Zayn. I'm not books smart and I don't like it either."

It just wasn't for Louis. The same couldn't be said about Zayn. Louis remembers that for the last two years that he was at high school – and the first two for Zayn – Zayn would always get an award for exceptional academic achievement and would always come out first in his class.

Zayn sighs and hugs Louis from behind. He kisses the back of his neck and lets his hands disappear under Louis' shirt. "We're like... boyfriends, right?" Zayn asks rather suddenly and Louis laughs. He twists his head back to look at Zayn with a smirk on his face.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?" Zayn nods against Louis' back. "Well then, we're boyfriends." 

Zayn's as giddy as a Barbie girl in a makeup shop. "I just had to hear it for it to be official." He gleams before he's off giving Louis all the kisses in the world again.

 

"Are you going back to your place?" Zayn asks when it comes to the end of Louis' shift and he's busy locking up for the night.

"I've gotta go to my aunt's." It's always his aunt that Louis uses to lie to Zayn about where he really goes and what he really does. Truck drivers are plentiful in Sparks on Tuesday and Thursday as those are the most popular delivery and return days in the country, so the little town is used as a convenient rest stop. They're also Louis' busiest days in comparison to the random odd shag he can bag throughout the week (if he's lucky enough). He anxiously checks for the box of condoms in his hoodie pocket. He hates lying to people he cares about but he's not proud of what he does – who would be? "But I'm free tomorrow and all yours for the weekend?"

"Alright." Zayn forces a smile. "Don't go fucking up your face anymore, please." Zayn holds Louis' chin in his hand and eyes the maroon marks.

"I'll be fine." Louis whispers against Zayn's lips before giving him a quick peck. 

 

Louis was busy buying a pack of cigarettes at a gas station the first time that he was approached – or rather, hit on – by someone looking for sex.

"Look at the ass on you."

"Excuse me?" Louis almost started swinging right then and there.

"You selling, boy?" The overweight, greasy trucker asked as he raked his eyes over Louis' figure.

"Yea?" Louis decided to play along and, unwrapped the plastic from around the cigarette box. "Who's asking?"

"I am." He inched forward and the smell of sweat, grease and beer made Louis' stomach churn.

"... How much?"

The trucker laughed a guttural hearty laugh that made his beer gut shake with glee. He knew that he had bagged Louis. "Fifty."

"Fucking hell... that's it?"

"It's the standard."

"...Fifty and you buy the condoms. No fucking way in hell am I going bareback."

"You've got a fucking mouth on you, don't you, sweetheart?" The trucker grabbed Louis' face in his meaty hand and gave him a warning squeeze. "Maybe I should show you how to use it." He released Louis' face and nonetheless bought the pack of condoms – much to Louis' relief.

Louis kept checking behind him as he walked out of the gas station and to Glen's; as he later found out, truck. He cringed at the thought of someone spotting him.

"Not so brave in the open world, are ya, sweetheart?" Glen teased and opened the door for Louis.

He contemplated running, running for his life and not looking back.

But he needed the money.

So he quickly climbed in and shut the door.

He's pretty sure that he saw a bag of cocaine out in the open for all to see on the dashboard. The smell of sweat, grease and beer intensified by ten times once both doors and windows were closed and nausea immediately washed over Louis.

"God. You are something pretty, aren't you?"

Louis stared straight ahead at the bare trees in front of them and chose to ignore the compliment. From his peripheral vision, he saw Glen shift in his seat and then, felt the rough prickly poking of his stubble on his neck as Glen kissed him. He starts counting the trees.

Louis' heart was racing. He couldn't believe what he was doing. He's had random hook-ups before but never anything like this – never anything remotely close to this.

He started to palm Louis through his jeans and to say that he was soft was the understatement of the year. Louis wouldn't have been able to coax out an erection if he was paid to.

"Get in the back. Take off your clothes." Glen's burly voice commands and Louis looks behind them at the bed and wonders how many people have been picked up and fucked back there.

_What the fuck am I doing, what if I get murdered?_

"Hurry up. I don't have all day here."

Louis scrambled to the back and took off his shirt and jeans. He turned to make sure that the condoms were being properly used and his heartrate calmed, albeit a bit, when he saw that they were.

"'m gonna have fun with a pretty thing like you."

It was one of the worst experiences of Louis' life. He had never felt more disgusting, more used. He couldn't walk normally for the next three days. He had never cried like he did that night – silently as he walked home and wailed loudly once he was alone in the shower. He cried until he couldn't breathe and his throat felt raw. He cried until he was dizzy and hated himself. He cried because of the names he was called and the bruises he sustained.

The last time he had cried like that was when he was nine years old and came home to find his mother passed out cold in her room after one of her drinking binges. He thought that she was dead – one of his greatest fears, still to this day. He ran over to the neighbours in absolute hysterics, howling that 'mommy won't wake up.'

After sitting in the shower for an hour and having cried all the tears that his body could muster, he forced himself up.

It got easier to handle the more people he met up with. It got easier to expect what he'd have to deal with, what he'd have to hear and what he'd have to feel.

It got easier to accept.

 

Now he's in the middle of fucking some fifty-year old who insists that Louis call him a 'dirty slut' while he does so. He swears he's not even semi-hard to do a good enough job – but figures he's doing alright judging by his 'customer's gratuitous moans.

It's well after eleven when Louis finishes up and is walking home. On the way he passes Nicky's house and sees the small girl sitting alone in the yard.

"Nicky?" She meets his curious blue eyes with her sad grey ones. "What on earth are you doing sitting here alone?"

"My parents are fighting again." She answers solemnly, and Louis hears them. F's and B's swirling around the area.

His mouth hangs open as he searches for a solution. "Why don't you come over to my place until they stop?"

"You won't mind?" She perks up.

"Nah, not at all. Come on." He holds his hand out for her and she runs to grab a hold of it.

Once they get to Louis' home, he finds that there's no sign of his mother or where she could be – but he guesses that she's at the bar.

"I'm just going to go shower quick, alright, uhm," He turns on the television for her and puts on Cartoon Network. He then gets a stack of old paper and some coloured pens and leaves it on the coffee table for her to occupy herself with while he takes care of himself. "Hey Nick, you didn't see my mom go past today, did you?" Louis asks before he leaves and Nicky shakes her head 'no'.

Around five minutes later when Louis emerges again, in a clean Adidas tracksuit, he finds Nicky sitting still with a blank look on her face. She hasn't touched the remote control or the pens and papers Louis' left for her. He goes to sit next to her and runs a hand through his damp hair. "Hey, come on now." He lightly bumps her shoulder with his in an attempt to cheer her up but it's no use. He's about to try again when Nicky lurches at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his neck. Her small body shakes softly as she cries.

"I'm just so tired of them fighting everyday." She pulls away and clumsily wipes her face. Louis pulls down his jacket sleeves and helps rid the tears on her face as it grows more and more red.

"I know Nicky. I'm sorry – "

"NICOLE!" A voice barges into the house and cuts Louis off. "What the hell are you doing here?!" It's her mother who's by Nicky's side immediately yanking her away from Louis with a harsh tug on her elbow. "And what the hell are you doing with my daughter, Jesus Christ?!" She accuses.

"I'm looking after her instead of leaving her in the open where anyone can just snatch her up." Louis tries to keep his voice more level than the other woman currently is.

"Just stay away from Nicole or I'll call the cops." She threatens before she storms out.

Louis feels like ripping out his hair.

Half an hour later the door swings open again but this time instead of angry yelling, it's ridiculous giggles that fill the lounge. "Louis," Janet greets, slightly startled to see Louis. "Baby, I didn't know that you were home." His mother speaks to him but all Louis focuses on is the sleazy man with greasy black hair that stands next to her. "Chip, this is my son Louis, Louis, this is Chip." Or (attempted) boyfriend number six.

Neither Chip nor Louis care about the other.

"Yea, I'm going out." Louis stands and turns off the television before he brushes by the pair.

"Don't stay out too late!" Janet makes a feeble attempt to parent him before she's off giggling again like a schoolgirl.

The crunchy gravel beneath Louis' shoes is calming and satisfying to his ears. He checks his phone and sees that it's midnight. He doesn't know where to go – he doesn't want to go to Zayn or call him because it's far too late and he refuses to be a burden. So he heads to the skate park.

It's even more desolate at night, eerie even. He hears footsteps above him and he prays that they continue to fade away but that's not the case and they abruptly come to a standstill.

Louis stays seated on the edge of the bowl once again and taps away on his phone, forcing himself to look busy.

"Are you Louis?" A man's voice asks. Louis turns to look over his shoulder but remains silent. "Bill ... Bill told me about you."

Bill always forces Louis to moan out loud everytime he fucks him. He wants Louis to look like he's enjoying himself even when he's spat on or slapped across the face. He's only a few years older than Louis, twenty-nine. He recently got engaged to his high school sweetheart, just last month actually.

She's secretly sleeping with his brother.

"I'm not working right now, man." Louis tells this man that he's never seen before. He can't decide if he's in his thirties or sixties. He takes note of his the scraggly brown hair and hollowed out cheeks. He's thinner than Louis too, so much so that his clothes hang off of him – like he's a bad clothing store mannequin.

"I'm not looking for sex." He tells Louis. His eyes almost seem to be protruding from his head.

"So then?"

"We can just walk?" He holds out some money. "I have seventy dollars."

"You wanna pay me to walk with you?"

The man looks helpless and sad.

Louis gets up. A part of him screams and asks if he's finally lost his mind. This guy fits the description of your cliché psychotic serial killer and Louis' walking right towards him. He tells himself that maybe it's time for him to die if this is how it's going to end and finds himself being okay with the thought as he approaches his 'customer'.

"I'm Richie." He introduces and Louis really sees just how frail he is up close.

So maybe he won't die tonight.

He hands Louis the money and they awkwardly stand there for a few seconds. "We can go to my place?"

Louis shakes his head as he counts the money. "Man, I told you, I'm not working right now. Maybe tomorrow – "

"And I told you I'm not looking for sex."

Louis purses his lips and finally nods his head before he's following this stranger – Richie – to his home. It's a decent walk from Louis' home and the skate park – it's a decent home too, a little bigger than Louis' but, nice. There's a lot of old antique style furniture around that's collecting a light layer of dust.

"Make yourself at home." Richie tells Louis' who's awkwardly standing with his hands in his pockets by the fireplace, taking in the lounge. "Would you like some tea?"

"... Sure." Louis finally stops looking around and watches Richie stroll to the open plan kitchen. "So what are you doing taking a casual walk at midnight?" He asks and sits on the mustard yellow sofa.

"I don't really like staying at home. My wife died a year ago and I haven't really gotten over it." He says as the cups he takes out of the cupboard clang against the counter.

"I'm sorry."

Richie takes a long pause after the kettle boils. "It's alright." He sighs after a lengthy inhale.

Louis looks around and on the mantel piece he sees a picture of a couple on their wedding day. The man looks like a healthier version of Richie. The woman next to him has beautiful long brown hair that falls around her face in loose ringlets.

A shaky hand brings Louis his tea. Richie sits opposite Louis on a rust coloured single seater.

This all feels so odd. He never does this with anyone – he hasn't even sat down to have a proper conversation with his mother in ... God knows how long.

"How old are you, Louis?"

He almost burns his tongue on the scorching tea. "Twenty-two."

"You're so young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you seem like a nice fella too."

Louis smiles out of appreciation but says not a word. It's then that he realises that it's the comfort of having someone to talk to – someone to be around and interact with is what Richie wanted and paid for. He didn't want to use Louis for his body, he simply saw him as a person.

A tear slides between the crease of Louis' nose and he hurriedly wipes it away. 

***

It's seven o'clock in the morning when the golden rays of sunshine start to peak through the gap in Louis' curtains and kiss his skin good morning. It's also the time when his phone vibrates under his pillow.

"Hello?"

"Christ, your morning voice is enough to give me a hard on."

Louis chuckles and stretches. "Good."

"Not good when I'm in public."

"Where are you?"

"... On my way to your house. You're not busy, are you?"

"No. I've just woken up." He groans and stretches his legs again. He doesn't start work until ten so it gives him a lot of time to be with Zayn. He groans again and it makes Zayn want to be the cause for the deliciously satisfied sound. "Hurry up." He teases in a sultry voice before cutting the call.

Louis' just done with washing his face, fixing his hair and brushing his teeth when there's a knock on the door. "What, did you sprint h-" He asks as he opens the door and is cut off by Zayn's eager lips. He laughs against them and pulls Zayn in so that he can shut the door.

He pulls Louis down onto the bed, once they're back in his room, and Zayn sits behind him, pulling his back to his chest. He kisses and sloppily licks at Louis' neck, he begins sucking and biting once he finds his sweet spot. The way Zayn kisses and laps at his neck drives Louis wild and he accidentally lets a loud moan slip. This time it's Zayn's turn to cover his mouth so that no one else hears. With his free hand he pushes past Louis' sweatpants waistband and strokes his cock. Louis' hips start to move in slow circles on their own accord as Zayn masturbates him. He groans again when Zayn turns his attention to the neglected side of Louis' neck and gives it the same treatment.

"Zayn," Louis begs against the hand over his lips. He rocks back and presses himself against Zayn's crotch and grinds against him until he feels him grow just as hard as he is. When Zayn finally let's go of Louis he wastes no time in ripping his shirt off and pouncing on Zayn.

The condom is almost torn along with the packet as they rid each other of their clothes. This time Zayn lies on his back and wants Louis to be in control. When Louis slides in after working him, it feels so much better than his first time. It doesn't sting as much or for as long – but Louis still moves at a slow pace as if it does.

"Go faster," Zayn breathes in an almost dreamlike voice.

"Don't wanna hurt you."

"You won't. I promise you – please, God, go faster –" He wants his eyes to roll in the back of his head and his toes to curl. Zayn wraps a leg around Louis' hip; his heel digs into his lower back as he forces Louis to go deeper. "Harder, now," He begs and grabs Louis' right hand with his own to lace their fingers together, and Louis finally obliges and fucks Zayn hard until he digs his head into the indigo pillow beneath him and arches up into Louis, he fucks him until all he sees are white stars dancing in front of him and can no longer form coherent sentences.

Louis bites down on Zayn's shoulder to help him hold off from cumming so he can continue to make Zayn feel as good as he feels now. He grabs Zayn's dick with his free hand and gently masturbates him until it's all too much for Zayn to handle and he cums all over himself.

They lie face to face, with the tips of their noses almost touching each other. Zayn looks so peaceful that Louis thinks he's definitely asleep, so he's slightly startled when Zayn speaks.

"What did you want to be when you were little?" He asks just barely above a whisper and with his eyes still shut.

"You'll laugh." Louis tells him in the same hushed voice.

"No I won't." He reaches to reassuringly rub Louis' side.

"A professional skateboarder."

Zayn's eyes open like he's just had true loves first kiss and he smiles.

"Or a surfer." Zayn's smile grows. "I never learnt how to though. I was just obsessed with Tony Hawk and the Z-Boys – you know the ones from –"

"That movie,"

"Lords of Dogtown. Yea. I used to have posters of all of them, everywhere – of the actual skaters, not the actors." Louis clarifies with a small laugh.

"You can still do it, you know. You should just head over to Cali. It's right here, next to us."

Louis shakes his head at Zayn's suggestion. "I couldn't."

"You could."

"I'm not good enough to actually make a name for myself."

"You could be."

Louis jokingly smothers Zayn with a pillow for a second and removes it to kiss him. He hops off of the bed and gathers his clothes. "I need to get ready for work."

"Can I come to work with you?" Zayn asks and Louis smiles at the t-shirt he picks up.

"If you want."

 

They walk side by side and Zayn can't stop sneaking glances at Louis. Louis notices it eveytime Zayn does, and looks back at him, catching him in the act. Zayn blushes and Louis laughs and grabs his hand with his own, intertwining their fingers.

He doesn't care who sees this. He wants everyone to see. He brings Zayn's hand up to his mouth and kisses his knuckles; it gives Zayn a million butterflies in his stomach.

As soon as the shop is opened and everything is set up, Louis smokes a cigarette, standing in the doorway. Zayn's taken his seat behind the counter and is watching him. Louis turns to meet his honey coloured eyes just as he exhales a stream of smoke and once the two lock eyes they're both thinking of the other and how it's possible to be such an incredibly beautiful person.

***

It goes like that for the next two weeks, Zayn and Louis fall more and more in love with each other and Louis actually starts to distance himself from his life as a prostitute. He may have not completely stopped just yet – but he's learnt to realise his worth more and more each day.

It unfortunately all stops being smooth sailing when one day he and Zayn are sitting in Louis' backyard and start to talk about college.

Zayn's lying down in Louis' lap, reading The Catcher in the Rye for the fifth time. He tells Louis he's been accepted into Phoenix University – the most prestigious university in the country. It's also on the opposite side of the country and fifteen hours away from Sparks.

"Why don't you just try study a small course or something?"

"Zayn, can you just drop it? It's never going to happen, okay? I don't know why you keep forcing it."

"Because I want you to come with me, I want you to get away from this place." Zayn's voice shakes and he sits up and puts his book down.

"Don't do that, Zayn, God, don't cry."

"I'm sorry, Louis but I care about you, and I worry about you. I never know what the hell you're up to half the time and don't know where you go."

"I told you – "

"Don't fucking give me that shit about your aunt. Stop lying to me about that. There's no way it's true because 1.) no one over there would ever send you back with bruises all over your body – you wouldn't let them if they even tried to and 2.) whatever you go to 'see her for' concerning your mother isn't working because she's still a drunk!" Oh God, Zayn hadn't meant it. He's just so angry but he didn't mean it, he didn't mean to be so nasty. "Louis, I'm sorry,"

"No," Louis replies softly. "No, you're right." He hangs his head.

"Louis, no." He moves forward to hug him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

Louis hugs him back, he's not mad. "It's the truth."

"I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happy because I love you so much." Zayn doesn't even care if he's said it too soon or if Louis doesn't feel the same way about him, he just has to let Louis know how he feels about him. "I want you to come with me, Louis. I don't really want to say goodbye."

Louis' shell-shocked that someone like Zayn loves him. Actually loves him, and he can see that he does, it's written all over Zayn's pretty face. "I love you too, Zayn," He grabs his hand. "But you've gotta go. You've gotta do this – it's such an amazing opportunity. I'll be okay... and we'll still see each other at the end of the year for the holidays?" Louis says but deep down doesn't hold his breath. The probability that Zayn will find someone else – someone amazing, who comes from a great background and is smart and funny and perfect – is ridiculously high, and Louis wouldn't be surprised if he forgets about him by his second month there.

He's happy that Zayn came into his life and showed him what love was – what it felt like and just how much warmth is in the world, it's something he'll always hold on to.

The couple sit in silence in the grass with the sound of nature around them. The birds are singing, a cricket gets closer and closer, it's the perfect summer's day.

Zayn sniffs and wipes at his last stray tear. "Can I help you find a better job before I go?" He asks and Louis' heartbeat quickens. "Anything has to be better than that fucking DVD shop." He laughs along with Louis.

For Louis, it hasn't properly sunk in yet that Zayn would be leaving in a few weeks' time. He kisses Zayn's cheeks and moves his luminous black hair away from his face. He nods and thinks – no, he knows that Zayn's right.

***

Weeks later Louis finds a job at the local veterinary as a receptionist.

It's the best paying job he's ever had. Initially, he was not too thrilled about it because he had to do a basic computer course and didn't think that he'd be able to do it – but he never gives himself enough credit. This still isn't – and will never be his favourite job because he gets so immensely heart sore at the number of animals that come in hurt or never get to happily trot out the doors again. He's had to console so many people that it made him grateful that his mom denied him the opportunity to get a puppy all those years ago when he begged and pleaded with her.

But other than that, he's the happiest he's ever been in a long time.

No one ever touches him now besides Zayn. He's even visited his house many times and it's as perfect as he imagined – and perfectly lonely with both parents at work and his siblings off with friends.

But as the days loom closer to Zayn's departure, Louis starts to distance himself from him thinking that by doing that, it'll ease the blow when the day comes that Zayn's no longer part of the town, Sparks.

"You can't keep avoiding me like this." Zayn says walking up to Louis. He sits on the swing next to him and gently pushes himself.

"I know."

"Then why do you keep doing it?"

"..."

"Will you come see me off tomorrow? ... Please, Louis."

"Yea, I will." Louis makes it sound like it hurts to speak.

"Promise?"

"... I promise."

***

12:00 P.M. Comes and goes and Zayn's done packing the last of his things in the car. He's sent Louis numerous texts asking where he is and if he's really not going to say goodbye to him.

"Aw, mom, don't cry. You still have Waliyha and me to keep you on your toes."

"I know baby. I'm just so proud of my sonshine." Zayn's mom laughs through her tears as she hugs her youngest daughter.

"It's gonna be great at Phoenix, Zee, you'll love it and I'll be there to have your back and if you need anything." His older sister assures him with a pat on the back.

Zayn forces a fake smile. He feels so dejected. Louis hasn't even read his messages. "Well, we better get going... it's a long drive that we've got, Don."

They both say a final goodbye to the rest of their family and walk towards Doniya's car when Zayn hears his name. He turns around to see Louis running towards them. He pants and rests his hands on his knees once he comes to a stop in front of everyone.

"Hey, Lou." Doniya greets and the others turn to her and then Zayn, silently asking why she's the only one who knows who this random, wheezing man is in front of them.

Louis waves at her from his hunched position. "I'm sorry," He apologises to Zayn once he's standing in front of him. "There was a really big dog I had to help carry out a car." He straightens and Zayn sees the white hairs covering Louis' thin-knit sweater. He dusts it off of him as Louis speaks.

"I thought you forgot."

Louis gives a short laugh once he's caught his breath. "I could never, Zayn. Not even if I got hit on the head." He jokes and they both laugh, but it dies down quickly for both of them and Zayn's eyes immediately turns glossy when his smile disappears.

"I'm gonna miss you." He croaks and Louis pulls him in for a hug.

He screams at himself to hold it together, but pretty soon his cerulean eyes have too welled up with tears and he can't force them back in no matter how far he tilts his head back. Louis' fingers dig into Zayn's shoulders and he breathes in his scent for one last time. He tells Zayn that he'll miss him too but it comes across in garbled words because of how rigid his body has suddenly become. He clears his throat so that his next words are audible. "I love you – so much."

It's enough to make Zayn want to rip up his acceptance letter and throw it all away. He kisses Louis' neck and tells him that he loves him too and that he'll call, text, tweet, snapchat - whatever him everyday no matter what.

Louis laughs and lightly shoves him away before he really starts to breakdown. However, a hand still clutches at Zayn's shirt as they both sniff away their tears.

Zayn pulls him in by the back of his neck to kiss him sweetly. "I love you." He speaks so softly on his lips that Louis wonders if he's imagined the whole thing.

Louis bows his head, his hand still clutching the material of Zayn's shirt. "Message me when you guys reach?"

Zayn smiles and kisses his forehead and promises that he will.

Louis' hand finally lets go and he takes a step back, as does Zayn. He awkwardly waves at the rest of his family and turns on his heel before anyone can see the fresh set of tears spill onto his cheeks.

"You okay?" Doniya slings an arm over Zayn's shoulder and kisses his cheek as he nods.

"I didn't know you liked boys!!" Waliyha exclaims.

"Well, now you do." He says simply. So, he might have not known how to come out to his family. He told Doniya when she came down because she was the oldest and he felt most comfortable with her.

His parents look a little dazed but they're not against it.

 

Louis pulls down his sleeves and wipes at his cheeks for the third time. He coerces himself to think about something – anything else so he can get home without his vision being blurry. He feels so different – everything feels different, nothing feels real right now. Walking into his house even feels different. When he opens the door to his room he thinks that he must be dreaming because standing next to his desk is a blue and white surfboard.

There's a small yellow post it stuck on it in the middle.

_'Promise me you'll use this in the Pacific Ocean one day.  
You're forever in my heart. Zayn x'_

 

***

 

The sun beats down on Louis newly tanned skin. He sits on his surfboard in the calm ocean and takes in everything around him, the smell of the salt, the sound of the seagulls. It's been just him and the ocean for the last couple of days. He still doesn't know what the hell he's doing as he paddles into an oncoming wave – but he knows that if he never tries, he'll never learn and he'll get nowhere.

But even though he's gone into this completely blind, it's been the most exhilarating thing he's ever done.

He doesn't know when he became this person or when things changed – they just sort of did. He still doesn't know where things are going or how everything will pan out in the long run...but he's okay with that, he's okay with giving himself time to just breathe for once.

He's able to stand up straight for four seconds before falling back into the water. Yesterday it was only three seconds. When he resurfaces he doesn't kick himself for not being good enough like he did the first time when he tried this, he simply hops back up onto his board and paddles out again. Louis lies on his stomach and watches his floating hand sway in the clear blue water.

When he was six he remembers his father waking him up at eight in the morning, dressing him in his blue swimming trunks and putting on a pair of bright lime green floaties on each arm. He hoists Louis up under his arm like he's carrying a sack of potatoes and Louis can't control the excited laughter that leaves his mouth. It's officially the first day of summer and that means they're off to his aunt's place for a pool party. They had talked about it for the whole of last night.

His mom, who's so beautiful in her fuchsia bathing suit and gleaming smile is packing up some treats to take with.

Louis was also super excited to see his three cousins and their Maltese Poodle, Toodle. Yes, Toodle the Poodle was everyone's lovable pooch. Louis bounced in the backseat and tried to keep count of the amount of trees they whirled past but gave up after thirteen.

It's his first time swimming and he's nervous.

"Come on champ, you've got to learn how, if your old man can do it then you sure can."

Louis sprinted away from the edge of the pool and straight to his cousins. He then turned back and headed outside again just as fast as he left.

"...Dad, I'm scared."

"You have the floaties and me to help you, son. Anything in life that's truly worthwhile will initially scare you to death."

Louis stares up at the Californian sky and soaks in the sun. Another wave approaches him and he's determined to catch it and hold it for a good five seconds. When he does, he resurfaces and laughs at himself – at his accomplishment. His laughter stops when he sees a small figure that's on the sand. It wasn't there when he arrived this morning and certainly not when he glanced over a few minutes ago. He slowly gets back onto his surfboard and paddles closer and sees them sit down and pull their knees up to their chest.

They have no surfboard and are dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt. The closer Louis gets, the more he's able to make out the black sunglasses and tuft of liquorice black hair.

**Author's Note:**

> As dark as the themes were, I really enjoyed writing this story - I wish I could have put out more stories like this but my brain has gone dry with ideas (... prompts similar to this are v welcome!)


End file.
